juggling act

Of all the things I've learned in life I have never learned to juggle physical objects. I can get two objects going at the same time, add a third and it's a disaster. That's not really juggling anyway, it's more like an exchange from one hand to the other. I haven't invested much time in learning the skill, partly because I'm so busy juggling my time. I feel like I have many balls in the air (figuratively speaking) and at any moment one of them is going to come crashing down. In the meantime I'm working my tail off to keep the juggling act going. School is demanding. It could consume my entire life if I let it. I have two part-time jobs and both would like to have more of my time, energy and talents if I were willing to give it. Kenyon and I are trying to build a relationship that lasts and he deserves more time than I have to give. India is my heartbeat, it keeps my life in perspective and my dreams alive. I could do less toward the India projects, but I'm not willing to give it up. The result is a constant juggling act. Each day I decided where my limited time and energy will be spent. I set up a weekly to do list and cross items off the list day by day. I wake up at 5am and determine what I can feasibly accomplish that day given my many meetings, classes I have to attend, etc. Then I spend the next twelve to fifteen hours working to complete the items on the list. I crash into bed at night exhausted, only to wake-up the next day and do it again. I am constantly evaluating the balls in the air, which can I drop easily without loosing momentum? In recent months, I have given up many of my beloved volunteer activities. I have reduced my social time significantly. I attempt to curb my ambition and insane commitment to perfection. There are times when I force myself to turn in a paper even though it isn't perfect yet, or to skim an article rather than read it entirely, or choose to pass up opportunities in order to preserve energy for the other opportunities I am already pursuing. There are days when everything is running as it should and the juggling act is mesmerizing. Then there are days when it seems to be too much and the juggling act gets wobbly and disorienting. These are the days I say, "I've got too many balls in the air. Too many balls, something needs to go. What can I let go?" I've lived most of my life this way. Kenyon calls it "doing too much." That may be an accurate assessment, but I don't know how to live any other way - and frankly, I don't want to. I feel like I'm truly living only when I am going all out, full-steam ahead with the wind blowing through my hair, giving all I've got to what I've deemed a worthy cause. Someday, just maybe, I'll master the skill of juggling...