ongoing negotiations

I've been trying to negotiate with God for an extended period of time (years). When I left my dream job where I was doing work that I believed to be meaningful, with people that I cared about deeply - I started negotiating with God.

Okay, God, I will walk away from this if I could be a mom. This seemed a reasonable option to me because I viewed it as an acceptable trade-off. I was still working for the same organization in a different role that I thought prioritized my family over work...hoping that our family would grow. This was in 2009.  I've changed jobs and locations since, each time asking God to grant my request. Years later we remain childless.

There have been times I begged God to take away the desire to be a mother because it is too painful to keep hoping. He has not granted this request either.

The end of 2011 I went to a medical professional and asked the question - is there a biological reason this isn't happening? Why haven't I been able to conceive? Her answer was even more painful than expected. There is no explanation. I should be able to...but haven't. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?Why? Why?

I don't have an answer and none of my attempts have worked. Since my medical visit I believe God has told me I will be a mom - through a vivid dream and the words of others. Weeks after going to the doctor I had a dream I was pregnant, it was as if I was experiencing all the changes I have heard a body goes through during that time. I believe God told me to trust Him for my future. In waking hours I chalked the dream up to having "baby" on the brain. Then a friend I met through my previous work told me she felt like she needed to tell me I am going to be a mom. She lives in a different state and didn't even know I had been to the doctor or had the dream. A few weeks later I was with a group from church. After a time of prayer, a man I hardly know came up to me and said, "have you been trying to have kids?" I think he knew the answer from my face as my eyes involuntarily well up with tears every time it is mentioned.

He said, "I feel God wants you to know it is going to happen."

Months later, it still hasn't. Recently Kenyon and I decided to try the adoption option again. I have begun the research phase, gathering as much information as I can so we can make an informed decision - hopefully with a successful outcome (this time). I don't think either of us would recover well from another failed attempt. Chandani's picture remains on our fridge reminding us of the pain of a broken heart and unfulfilled dreams. She is our little girl that we could not bring home.

just Sheri, risking in spite of fear