in absentia

Maybe you've been wondering where I have been recently. Not many original blog posts in recent months, then suddenly none at all.

What happened? A LOT.

The best way to describe the events of recent months is mourning...I have been in mourning. In ancient times I would have been dressed in sackcloth and covered in ashes. In our modern times, I woke-up each morning. Dressed for work. Went through the motions of my day and went home. Few knowing what was happening beneath the exterior.

What have I been mourning?


I have been mourning the loss of my life's dream(s). Yes, I have mentioned the grieving and uncertainty on this blog before. But, I had been unwilling to let it go. I kept hoping that someday, somehow it would revive...then I could return as if I had never left. Then I got an answer from God that I wasn't ready to hear. Let it DIE.


I didn't want to. I hung on. It seemed like everything I read for weeks - fiction, non-fiction, scripture, non-scripture - over and over I received the same message. Let it DIE.


I could have easily accepted an extended delay. Or, perhaps, even a re-packaging. But, death? Death is so final.

The message is clear. I am to let my dream DIE.


Why? I still don't know the answer to that single question, but I have received my marching orders and am holding on to the hope in John 12:24.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, 

unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; 
but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

Someday, I hope to see the fruit of this difficult choice.

In the midst of an emotional journey, while Encore posts were running on this blog and our one year in the US anniversary came and went. Holiday's were celebrated globally, etc, etc, etc...another major event happened.. Someone died.


Just before Thanksgiving I took a road trip to South Carolina. This was not a vacation. I had been commissioned by a force beyond myself to visit my biological father. I invited myself to his home for a weekend. Thankfully he accepted my imposition. My brother and his wife were also there.

I had not spent that much time with my biological father in approximately two decades. It was a pleasant weekend and I am grateful for that time together. Before taking the trip I had lots of reasons (excuses) why this was a bad idea. I went anyway.

Two days after Christmas I got a phone call from my brother. Our dad shot himself. He committed suicide. His father had committed suicide. His grandfather had committed suicide. Despite the tragedy of this situation I am awed by the grace of God.

God's grace...

• led me to spend a weekend with my birth father, though it didn't make sense
• allowed me to forgive pains from the past so that the time spent together was pleasant
• brought family members from all over the nation to celebrate his life
• placed me back in America so I could be part of that reunion (participation would not have been possible if I was still overseas)

I have no answers. I only see a small portion of a much bigger reality. I am still processing it all. My writing on this blog will likely come in starts and stops over the coming weeks - sometimes on, sometimes not. I will share what I think is appropriate...when it is appropriate. I have received cards from all over the US since this event. I thank all of you for your support.

just Sheri, because of God's grace