culture shock: voluntary prison

I went on a road trip recently with a couple of ladies from Africa. One is visiting for a few months since her daughter just had a third child. I asked how her visit has been, this led to an interesting conversation about American cultural norms.

In America, we exit the car in our driveway and immediately head inside our home, rarely greeting our neighbors. Once inside, we generally close and lock the door behind us. Most homes have large windows to let in light or frame a view, but the windows are usually shut and covered with closed blinds or curtains drawn. I suppose this is for privacy and security. My friend had an interesting perspective on this - she called it "voluntary prison."

Photo by Stefano Costanzo via Fotopedia

We shut ourselves in and keep others out. We rarely engage with those in close proximity to us. We do this while living in the land of freedom and prosperity.  The majority of outings are to go to work, shops, or regularly scheduled meetings (like church). We started calling our road trip her "Prison Break."

I hadn't thought of this as a voluntary prison, but I noticed this myself since returning to America.

In our neighborhood, I make a point of talking to neighbors. When I see them outside, I wave enthusiastically and say, "Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening!" The looks I get are usually surprise and uncertainty.

I am sure there have been times folks thought, "Who is this crazy lady waving at me? She must think she knows me." Some people pretend not to see me, which only encourages me further. Some folks wave back hesitantly. What I've noticed is the more I do it, some folks now expect it and participate willingly.

There is an older gentleman who is often on his front stoop. I see him as I walk the neighborhood in the afternoons. He used to be reluctant to respond to my greetings. Now I get a smile, a wave, and a "how are you doing?"

When we lock ourselves up in voluntary prison - we miss out on relationship building opportunities. I am okay with being the crazy lady in the neighborhood. Why? Because people matter to God and therefore they matter to me. Though the culture of my origin tells me to isolate myself, distrust my neighbors and "act normal." I choose a different path.

Romans 12:2 (The Message)
"Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking..."

Are there cultural norms you have chosen to reject? Is there something you value more than "fitting in?"

just Sheri, defined by Christ rather than my culture

speak truth

Job 27:4 I will tell only the truth.

I wish this were true - that folks spoke truth. I wish. I wish. I wish. About once every four years (usually around election time) I write a political post. I try not to get in to politics much on this blog. Why? Because it is divisive, and frankly, I believe both parties have some things right and some things wrong and those prescribing to either party platform are entirely too self-righteous. 

Is it right to be fiscally responsible; protect innocent, unborn children who cannot speak for themselves; and protect the sanctity of marriage? I say, "yes!"

Is it right to have compassion for those who are struggling in difficult circumstances and give them a hand-up, to welcome the stranger in to our borders (with some provisions to maintain order), and to treat all people with dignity and respect? I say, "yes!"

What America has lost is civil discourse about such ideals. A bashing of the other's character, rather than a dialogue on convictions. But, that isn't the only thing we've lost...

I have been amazed in recent years at the incredible amount of "spin" that flies around in politics.This isn't a post aimed at any particular party, because if I were judge I would declare all "guilty."

Today's topic is aimed at a particular event: the attacks on U.S. Embassies and Consulates.

As a recovering Expatriate (Dictionary.com: to withdraw oneself from residence in one's native country.), I must tell you that the Embassy or Consulate is viewed as a refuge of safety. When I visited these locations in different spots around the globe, these were well fortified with security and built to withstand attack. I cannot believe these recent attacks are the response to a low-grade, low-budget, previously obscure and unknown video production. Honestly, who had even heard of this movie before the attacks? That is a red herring. There is something bigger going on and I feel strongly that our Executive and Congress are missing an opportunity to respond appropriately.

It was not an un-happy coincidence that the Behghazi attack occurred on September 11 (the anniversary of the largest terrorist attack on our soil). The rocket launcher that killed the Embassador did not appear as a result of a spontaneous demonstration. I feel insulted that this event would be classified as anything other than terrorism. Am I supposed to believe that folks just happen to have a rocket launcher in their home, and when they heard a ruckus decided to grab it on their way out the door? Nope, that doesn't happen. Just to have possession of a rocket launcher takes prior planning and it was obviously positioned to cause harm.

The events of recent weeks are terrorism (dictionary.com: the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes). What I don't understand is - why are we so reluctant to call it what it is? The only answer I can come up with is that if we call it terrorism, then we would have to do something about it...and that would be politically unpopular...and in case you forgot we are in an election with the objective of winning, rather than leading. 

What concerns me, more than political positioning, is that this has happened before. George Santayana rightly said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." So, with that in mind, let's take a little walk down memory lane:

• 1998: there were a series of embassy bombings in East Africa. (Thankfully, those were condemned by the U.N.)
• 2000: a suicide bomber attacked the USS Cole (Then, as now, leadership was reluctant to call it "terrorism" and it is my belief that is when al-Qaeda started to feel empowered to attempt an attack on US soil)
• 2004: September 11

There are some in leadership willing to call it "terrorism" - but none of these are running for political office. This morning I read this article from Reuter's describing the attack as "deliberate and organized:" http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/09/29/us-usa-libya-intelligence-idUSBRE88R1EG20120929

just Sheri, wishing we were electing leaders instead of politicians

Naming my fear

Earlier this year I wrote a post on paralyzing fear. Then a few weeks ago I was reading a book that challenged readers to name their fear, in order to overcome it.

I am taking it a step further - I am not only naming my fear, but I am posting it publicly for the whole world to see. Why? Because I refuse to let it have power over me any more.

What am I afraid of? Loss.

I have experienced some intense heartache over the years. Once upon a time I did meaningful work that consumed me. I loved my work and invested my whole self in it. I invested deeply in relationships. I was ALL in! Then I had to leave that work and those relationships. It broke my heart.

As if that wasn't tough enough, I had to do it again a couple of years later. Then again a year later, Then again a year after that. By the fourth time, I was already growing apprehensive of investing myself in meaningful work or relationships. But now, it is best categorized as a paralyzing fear.

Sure, I am dissatisfied with my "normal" life - waking each day to go to a job. Coming home to do it all again the next day. But, my fear of being ALL in and having that ripped from me again outweighs my discontent with normal.

Like a heartbroken teenager, I am scared to love again. I am scared to invest myself deeply and then be uprooted (again). I am scared to open myself up to relationships and then have to say good-bye (again), with  no idea when or where we will reunite. My heart is unsure it could love again like that. It is unsure if it would recover from such a fate.

But, when I look back at the relationships I built around the globe and the people and places that still hold a piece of my heart, I am reminded of Tennyson's poem (In Memoriam: 27, 1850): 

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all. 

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. 

What are you afraid of?

just Sheri, working to overcome fear

Where am I?

Recently, I attended a house warming party with my friend Vy. The food: Southeast Asian cuisine. The people: primarily Vietnamese. The entertainment: karaoke. The language: not English.

For a few moments, it took me back to my time living in Asia, where the restaurant next door would have karaoke four nights a week until the wee hours of the morning.

Then Vy showed up with a serving of dessert she had made. What was it? Flan. As in, the Latin American favorite...and a favorite of mine from childhood.

As I sat eating my flan and listening to karaoke (where I could not read or understand the lyrics), I thought to myself, "it's a wonderful life!"

Thank you, Vy, for sharing unique experiences like this with me.

just Sheri, gratefully transported to a different time and place

In Praise of Followers!

Want to know how change happens - how to start a movement? Check. This. Out.

Quotable Quotes: false promise(s) of materialism

"Money and things make three major promises that they cannot keep: the promise of happiness, significance, and security...when we become more secure with who we are in Christ, we don't need to impress others with our image but could serve them with our love." ~ Craig Groeschel

inspiring community

I have a friend, I call him "my prophet" because God has used him, on more than one occasion, to speak truth to me - especially when I didn't want to hear it. My friend has been going through a tough time of unemployment.

"The church" (meaning Christ followers) have done so much in this extended time of struggle - as an observer, it is encouraging to the heart. My friend visited a Sunday service and filled out a prayer card. As the weeks turned in to months, the pastor of that church called often to "check-in." My friend couldn't give money due to his circumstance and eventually moved to another state because he lost his housing in Virginia - the pastor kept calling.Why? Because he cares for people.

People, even those who never met my friend, gave money to help. Because they cared about those who are struggling.

When my friend moved to the new state he attended another Sunday service. This group welcomed in the stranger, not just to make him feel welcome, but when they heard of his plight - they gave up food and interceding on his behalf that God would intervene.

When my friend got a job and announced this news - this group cheered audibly and celebrated with him.

There was a church the Hubs and I attended for a number of months, and at the end of each service people would join hands and pray for one another - whoever was next to them, whatever the Spirit put on their heart. Near the end of prayer time, the pastor would say a similar prayer each week. There was one part that I will always remember, "God bless my neighbor...and help me celebrate their success as if it were my own."

When my friend announced his good news - a spontaneous celebration erupted on his behalf. When my friend described it to me, it brought tears to my eyes. How wonderful that there is a group who cares so compassionately for those in need.

just Sheri, celebrating (from a distance) the success of another

Conjunction Junction

When I am not at work, I try to find constructive things to do with my time. For more than a year I have been volunteering as a tutor. At the end of last year I agreed to teach a weekly course at the local community college.

The topic: writing.

The goal: prepare my students for the admission test in order to become students at the college.

The students: recent high school grads and not so recent high school grads who want to better their lives, but have experienced set backs in pursuing their dreams.

Last week, we had an entire class dedicated to conjunctions. It reminded me of my childhood and the wonderful lessons offered by Schoolhouse Rocks. Do you remember these? Were you too young to even know what I am talking about? Either way...check. it. out.



Apparently, a good teacher can make an impact. In my case, it was an educational video that I still remember all these years later.

just Sheri, wishing Schoolhouse Rocks would make a comeback

Let there be light

For some reason, unknown to me, none of our upstairs bedrooms have lights installed. No ceiling fans with lights. No other light. While there are nice windows that give plenty of daylight - this is problematic at night. We had a table lamp in the master bedroom for functional purposes. 

After staying at a hotel earlier in the summer (and loving having a bedside lamp for reading) I decided we needed some thing like it at home. Following a tour of IKEA, I found what I was looking for...then I installed them over our headboard.

I can't remember what life was like before the lights were installed. They have been a wonderful addition to our new "home."

just Sheri, resident handy woman

Everyday Heroes

This weekend I met two women worth writing about. The first survived an extremely violent marriage and has dedicated her life to helping single mothers of all backgrounds.

The second declared, "I love the elderly!" She then told a story of how after work, she visited daily with a woman in a nursing home. The two women were not related. The protagonist of my story knew the elderly woman's family lived out of state and didn't want her to be lonely. This was particularly impressive to me as I had been at an assisted living facility last week for work and saw the residents light up when visitors came.

The gift of your time can make a HUGE difference! Giving time to something you're passionate about changes the world.

just Sheri, excited to hear about folks living out their passion

NOTE: the Everyday Heroes series on this blog is an idea to share stories of normal people engaging in acts of kindness. I want to draw attention to kindness because I believe it is what changes the world.

Fitness Vacay

My family came to visit this summer. The first full day we walked nearly a marathon while exploring the District. 

The next day we went kayaking on the reservoir. The third day we went hiking in the Shenandoah mountains. At this point the fatigue was setting in. My brother branded it a "fitness vacay." 

For relaxation, we went to the (very unique) Rivershore for fresh crabs and chicken wings. At the end of a few days, it was surprising how much we had fit in to a short time! 

It was so nice to have family come for a visit. It was also nice to have a house where every couple had a bedroom, and their own bathroom. Though we also tested the limits of the new house and found the plumbing to be problematic. The day family left - a plumber arrived.

just Sheri, grateful for a visit from family

Quotable Quotes: a sojourners life

Jesus bids us to come and follow, "To respond to this calling is to accept that you will be a sojourner relinquishing the security of being a settler. To follow Him is to choose to forever be an alien and stranger in this world." ~Erwin McManus

what are you waiting for?

I recently heard a message from Pastor Steven Furtick. The topic: waiting.

Pastor Furtick challenges us to redefine waiting. Waiting isn't passive, it's active. He describes a scene of a restaurant. The "waiter" is not the one sitting at the booth, but the one carrying the tray and serving. He says, "You can spend your whole life waiting for God to do something for you, that he has already done...to give you something that is already yours."

I have witnessed this - God give me joy, wisdom, strength or favor. But, according to His word when we are in relationship with Him, obedient to His word, these things are already ours. Why are we asking for what we already have?

I have done this - God give me peace, love, or patience. In Him, I already have these things...if I let Him work in and through me.

I don't want to miss out on life, waiting for God to answer a prayer that He has already promised. I will serve Him in "the waiting room," ready for the next instruction.

just Sheri, actively waiting

Active Summer

These days, I mostly live life off-line. But from time-to-time, I come back to give a short news report. It has been an active summer full of new and interesting activities.

My dear friend Phim and I took a couple of road trips early in the Summer. One trip was to New Jersey, prior to that trip I had only seen the Newark airport. We had an excellent time with girlfriends in Atlantic City - walking the Boardwalk, looking at the ocean, sitting by the pool of our hotel, listening to live music and laughing until the wee hours of the morning.

Our second road trip was inspired by a calendar with a photo of the Blue Ridge mountains. She made a comment that she wanted to go there...so we did. We spent some time in North Carolina with her friends and with mine. We felt welcomed everywhere we went, but at one stop, our hosts made sure we knew it.

One of the highlights from the visit to North Carolina was meeting beautiful Valentina. She was a baby born of the heart, but conceived by others. This family and ours shared this journey. Valentina is their blessing brought through adoption. My friend Jan used to be such a curmudgeonly Brit, it was a pleasant surprise to see him smiling so much!

We also hosted a housewarming. I learned why they call it this - "housewarming." After everyone left, it felt more like home than it had before. Why? I think because it was filled with memories of people and laughter and fun. Thanks friends (and family) for warming our house.

I've had some wonderful times with Vy, too. We continue to share new experiences. I took her and her sister to an Independence Day parade -thier first live parade.

They took me to a celebration at the Vietnamese Buddhist Temple in Maryland. There were Vietnamese celebrities, lots of food, and a fun atmosphere.

This is only a sampling of our active summer. There has still been plenty of kayaking and hiking adventures. Some golf outings. Lots of food. A visit from family and time spent with people.

As kids are headed back to school and (supposedly) the weather starts to cool - what are the highlights of your summer?

just Sheri, active off-line

crossroads of the world

Recently I was stopped at a light on my way home. On my left was a Latin Hair Salon with all their services listed in Spanish. Next to that was a Halal butcher with writing in Arabic. Across the street was a Korean grocer with a Korean neon sign and across from that was an Afghan kabob restaurant which smelled of curry and cinnamon.

I took a deep breath and thought, "this is what I like about living here - the mass amounts of diversity. It as if every corner of the world is represented in one place."

The nations come here. It's wonderful. Really wonderful.

just Sheri, embracing the diversity

ongoing negotiations

I've been trying to negotiate with God for an extended period of time (years). When I left my dream job where I was doing work that I believed to be meaningful, with people that I cared about deeply - I started negotiating with God.

Okay, God, I will walk away from this if I could be a mom. This seemed a reasonable option to me because I viewed it as an acceptable trade-off. I was still working for the same organization in a different role that I thought prioritized my family over work...hoping that our family would grow. This was in 2009.  I've changed jobs and locations since, each time asking God to grant my request. Years later we remain childless.

There have been times I begged God to take away the desire to be a mother because it is too painful to keep hoping. He has not granted this request either.

The end of 2011 I went to a medical professional and asked the question - is there a biological reason this isn't happening? Why haven't I been able to conceive? Her answer was even more painful than expected. There is no explanation. I should be able to...but haven't. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?Why? Why?

I don't have an answer and none of my attempts have worked. Since my medical visit I believe God has told me I will be a mom - through a vivid dream and the words of others. Weeks after going to the doctor I had a dream I was pregnant, it was as if I was experiencing all the changes I have heard a body goes through during that time. I believe God told me to trust Him for my future. In waking hours I chalked the dream up to having "baby" on the brain. Then a friend I met through my previous work told me she felt like she needed to tell me I am going to be a mom. She lives in a different state and didn't even know I had been to the doctor or had the dream. A few weeks later I was with a group from church. After a time of prayer, a man I hardly know came up to me and said, "have you been trying to have kids?" I think he knew the answer from my face as my eyes involuntarily well up with tears every time it is mentioned.

He said, "I feel God wants you to know it is going to happen."

Months later, it still hasn't. Recently Kenyon and I decided to try the adoption option again. I have begun the research phase, gathering as much information as I can so we can make an informed decision - hopefully with a successful outcome (this time). I don't think either of us would recover well from another failed attempt. Chandani's picture remains on our fridge reminding us of the pain of a broken heart and unfulfilled dreams. She is our little girl that we could not bring home.

just Sheri, risking in spite of fear

everyone has a story

Recently I was out mowing the lawn with our push mower - yes, the old school kind with no motor, propelled by leg muscles. Some of my neighbors, whom I had not met, were also out that evening watering their lawn. They have the nicest yard on our row - newly sodded lawn, well manicured trees and shrubs, and blooming annuals and perennials. Our yard is made up of overgrown, contractor grade shrubs and an overlay of clover where the grass should be. I wanted tips from an expert...so I walked over to introduce myself.

Thankfully our neighbors were friendly and gracious. She shared with me the knowledge of what she has learned in the past few years about what grows well in our soil and sun exposure. As she was talking she spoke with such eloquence and grace, but with an obvious accent - so, my next line of questions had nothing to do with her flower garden. Where are you from originally? How long have you lived here? How many children do you have? etc, etc, etc...my undergrad training in Journalism continues to be useful.

She and her husband are originally from Liberia. As faithful readers know, I have been to Liberia and, thus, know a little bit about the country and it's history. I asked if they were living there during the civil war? Yes. What was it like for you before, during, and after? (this line of questioning was more of a series than one question)

Before the war, he had earned an undergrad degree from Maryland, USA, then a master's from Europe and a law degree in Israel. He had a high level position in his country and was a well respected leader with incredible influence. During the war, they did what they needed to in order to survive and also spent some time in neighboring countries. After, they raised 10 kids, most of which were not their own, but orphans because of war. They immigrated to America in the hopes of building a better life and they have struggled since. They are both employed, but at jobs much below their qualifications. As they spoke I saw their emotions turn from pride and joy, to sorrow and sadness. The husband excused himself and went inside for a minute. When he left the wife told me something I cannot forget. She looked at the closed door her husband had just passed through and said, "no one here sees who he is. In all the time we've lived here, no one has asked about his past success." In that moment, I saw how much love and respect she has in her heart for her husband. I saw the pain she carries for him, because of the sacrifices they have both made. I have not been able to forget the conversation. We continued to chat and she promised to invite me over for dinner some time to share a Liberian meal. We speak each time we see one another outside.

What has stuck with me is how easy it is to make judgments about people. If they are struggling - it must be because they are not trying. If only they would apply themselves, educate themselves, work harder - then they wouldn't be in their situation. If the situation continues - they must be lazy, or greedy, or have an inflated sense of entitlement. I have only met a handful of individuals that fit this description, the majority try and try and try some more, only to get knocked down, then they get back up and try again.

This man who has worked hard in his life and overcome an incredible amount of adversity, who has earned and retained the respect of his wife - he is not seen. In the years they have lived in this country, no one had cared enough to get to know him.

It's amazing what a difference a conversation can make. I now look at people cleaning parking lots or buildings, hauling trash, mowing lawns and wonder - what is their story?

just Sheri, changed by the sacrifices of others

if you can't go yourself...send others

Once upon a time I lived a different life. I loved many things about that life and still hope that some day it will, again, be my reality. Since that doesn't seem like a possibility in the near future, I made a decision...

I have met many amazing folks on the journey of life. I have seen LOTS of people doing life changing work. I received a couple of funding requests in the last couple of months when I was considering how to invest in the work - from afar. I decided...to give to their mission.

I look forward to receiving the reports of their work in the months to come. I hope to be a source of encouragement during the challenging times. I am grateful there are couples and families willing to leave the familiar and go to strange places in order to serve others. I am inspired by those moved by passion to do something to make the world a better place. I am honored to support them in their efforts.

I assume this is just the next step in the transition. I don't think my heart will ever stop longing to "go" myself - but that doesn't mean I have to be a spectator.

just Sheri, accepting the supporting actor role

don't worry...trust instead

If you watched the news in recent weeks you may have heard that Virginia had a massive, freak wind storm recently. The storm left millions without power, brought down trees, tore off siding. In the community where we live it knocked out the emergency 911 system...and the back-up emergency system.

Here's what's amazing...we were clueless. Absolutely. Positively. Completely oblivious.

Without TV, we didn't watch the news. So, we didn't know we were supposed to be afraid.

Instead, we watched a movie on the laptop. Went to sleep. Slept soundly. Then woke to find the world had changed.

We were lucky to have been spared - we had electricity, but no internet or cell phones as the storm had knocked out the entire system.

I have told this story a few times since the storm. Each time it has me thinking of this scripture in Matthew...

Matthew 6:27
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?


What would we have done had we known in advance the storm was coming? We would have worried...okay, I will speak for myself. I would have worried. What if...what will we do?

What we will do is deal with whatever comes - just as we did. What would worrying have got me? Less rest.

This was an important lesson, as I was able to avoid worry and rest in perfect peace. I think that is the message of Matthew 6. Don't worry. Trust God. He's got this.

Thank you, God, for providing peace in the midst of storms - literally and figuratively.

just Sheri, learning about trust in the year of "perfect peace"

bath salts?

Have you heard about bath salts? I don't mean the kind that dissolve in a tub of hot water. Apparently, this is a new kind of drug. The state I live in has tried to pass laws to control the chemicals that go together to make this drug. The Hubs works at a local emergency room, they received warnings about patients presenting who had been using bath salts.

This week there was an article in a local paper on the topic: Richmond Times-Dispatch

I learned from this article, the drug they are trying to replicate is one grown in East Africa called khat. I have driven through khat fields in Kenya. It is a hallucinogenic and very lucrative.

It seems there is nothing new under the sun...