Foundations

I've been doing a lot of reading (for school, yes) but I am still reading some on my own. Since starting this relationship with Kenyon I have had some old feelings emerge. Feelings of uncertainty, vulnerability, distrust and fear. Things I had thought I had dealt with, but they have unexpectedly resurfaced. I called my old counselor, we haven't met for over a year, I wanted to know if she had any insight on what I might do to combat this. I ended up with some book suggestions; "Hiding from Love" by Townsend and "Lord, I want to Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian. I have only begun the second book, but the first book had some good lessons that I think everyone can benefit from:

LESSON ONE: We are created by God for relationship. We need other people, it is how we are made - like it or not, it's a fact.

LESSON TWO: We may create hiding patterns to protect ourselves from pain, legitimate pain. This is a healthy thing to do, rather than subject ourselves to the pain. BUT (that's a BIG but), when we take these hiding patterns with us to other relationships it is unhealthy. It ultimately isolates us from what we need most - relationship.

I have learned hiding patterns to protect myself from legitimate and very real pain. In order for my current relationship to work, and I want it to work, I need to unlearn these patterns. I need to be vulnerable. I shouldn't run away just because it's uncomfortable. If I choose to run away now, I will just keep running. It would be an unhealthy choice at this point. Okay, enough psycho-babble. I wrote all of this to share this uncertainty has grown my faith. I learned something about God in this. I grew up in the church and I've often heard sermons on how God is our rock and foundation, how he is our strength. I know the parable of the house built on sand and the one built on solid ground. I have recently learned how this applies to our relationships with others. I've been hurt and hurt deeply, but Christ is my foundation. He is the starting point on which I build relationship with others. Will they disappoint me? Likely, because they are human. Can I survive it? Absolutely. Security in my relationship with God helps me to take risks in my relationships with people. In my relationship with Christ I am standing on solid ground with no need to fear. Amazing!

And just so you don't worry...Kenyon is awesome; its not him, its me. He is being patient with me as I work through this. What a man!

Sequence

My good friend Fiona has been gone from Kanas City for approximately three months. She moved half-way around the world to China. She left while I was on the Caribbean cruise. Before she left she dropped off items at my place; food, pictures, an electric toothbrush, DVD's, a gas grill, blender, George Forman grill, etc. I continue to find things she left - she hid them well. Saturday night Kenyon suggested we play a game. He went to the game closet and found another Fiona surprise. She left the game sequence with a little note, it was one of our favorite games to play together. We would get very competitive. The thoughtful gesture brought tears to my eyes. What an amazing friend! I miss her terribly.

Of course, school is keeping me VERY busy. I don't have time for anyone or anything. It's probably a good thing my close family friends moved this summer, because I have no time to spend with them anyway. Homework is my new best friend. Yippee-do-da-day! I feel like all I do these days is read, and this isn't necessarily stuff I would choose to read on my own. Some of it is interesting, much of it is dry and dense - translation: boring. Most of my days are spent reading. In fact, yesterday I woke up at 4am to finish my reading assignments for that day. I had read the articles, but needed to finish reading the book (yeah, I said book) for that class...between the three classes I read hundreds and hundreds of pages almost daily. I attended PhD orientation on Friday night. They admitted six students, at the end of the third week we are down to two - me and this guy Ed. That is quite an attrition rate! I heard a interesting statistic; one in every six people who start a PhD program actually finish. I aim to be that one, though I now know first hand why such a low percentage of people in the world accomplish this goal. It is not for the faint of heart! Another thing they mentioned at orientation is it's normal to feel overwhelmed. Finally...I'm normal!

KC Royals baseball

An ex-coworker of mine had free tickets to attend a Royal's baseball game. (The team is so bad they have resorted to giving tickets away!) I figured for free tickets it was worth the effort. It was a beautiful day; some sun, a light breeze, low humidity. It was just nice to be outside. It was Kenyon's first Royal's game, ever, and he grew-up here. Surprisingly, the team won. They beat the White Sox. I think there were more Sox fans in the stadium than Royals fans. The first home run was hit by a Sox player, it seemed like the whole stadium was cheering. Kenyon said, "oh, we cheer for the other team?" I guess so, maybe we just cheer because something exciting actually happened. It was a good game and a great way to spend a lazy Sunday. Unfortunately, it was the only fun scheduled in my weekend. I spent all day Saturday studyings and the agenda item for Labor Day...more studying. Fun, fun, fun...

PB&J

It's been a couple of years since I've been a student and even more years since I've been a full-time student. There are a few of things that have changed since I was a student last (the biggest change is I'm older, but besides that):

(1) technology - everyone seems to have a laptop and a cell phone. I find the cell phone thing slightly amusing. Students will be sitting at a table together or walking campus side-by-side, the amusing thing is - they aren't talking to one another. Instead they have chosen to text or talk to someone else on their cell phone. What's up with that?! What has our world come to when we would rather interact electronically with someone than speak to the people right in front of us? Do they think they are missing out on something some place else, or is it simply preferred to be on your phone than having an actual conversation? It is a strange new phenomenon to me. I don't understand it. Maybe it's a generational difference, but I'd rather speak with real, live people.

(2) restaurant items - my second observation has been items on the menu at restaurants. Confession time - have you ever ordered a Peanut Butter and Jelly (PB&J) sandwich at a restaurant? I've ordered a grilled cheese sandwich, but never a PB&J. In fact I was surprised it's a menu item at all. Who would go out to eat PB&J? College students, of course. Duh! Every restaurant I've been to so far with my classmates has had PB&J on the menu. It is not always the cheapest item on the menu and it doesn't seem to matter what scale of restaurant we visit. It has shown up in different versions; one had organic peanut butter, another was of the grilled variety. I'll let you know if I ever order one myself. I just can't imagine it.

Ahh, the student life.

visit to DC

This week I returned from a quick visit to the nations capitol. I hadn't been there in years. My last visit was a work related trip in the late 90's. The purpose of this visit was to celebrate Kelsey's 12th b-day. We had a great time. We visited Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument and the new WWII memorial at night. The next day we returned to check out the new American Indian museum. I also had a new culinary experience - fondu. I have never "fondu-d" before. We went to the Melting Pot and ate a feast of cheeses, meats and I couldn't get enough of the strawberries with smore's. The pic is of Kelsey and Paul on her birthday - hence the tiara.