Getting Personal

On this blog, I have shared bits about my life - usually public events or some personal reflections related to literature or things I see through my work. This post is going to be more personal than normal. I have decided to make something public that I have kept private for many years. There is a select group that already know what I am about to say, for some, this may be surprising. I have hinted at it from time to time on this blog. What is it? I want a child. I want it more than I want anything else in this world. I want desperately to be a mother.

When I was younger and my professional ambitions were more pronounced, people often assumed I was more interested in a career than a family. I let them assume this because I didn't want to talk about my painful longings that went unmet. I haven't bothered to correct these assumptions...it is just easier that way, because I can't talk about it without tears. Truth be told, I would exchange income, title, and position in the professional world for the chance to be "mom." From time to time other professional women have told me similar stories of painful longings and the judgements that come when a woman is advancing in years, but hasn't had children yet. Be careful not to assume, sometimes circumstances are not by choice!

The remainder of this week I am going to address this issue from personal experience...

Moms to the rescue

I know that Mother's Day has passed, but I missed it because I was in the field and completely disconnected from the outside world. So, a week later...here is my ode to mom.

Being a mother is a tough job. The only way to retire from it is death. I may be considered a grown up, but that doesn't mean I don't still need my mother. Maybe she is no longer changing diapers, nursing, or carting us from place to place as our personal chauffer, but her role is still very necessary it just comes with different job responsibilities at this stage in her children's lives.

Who do I call in the middle of the night when I just want a good laugh? Mom (she's probably up anyway)

Who do I call when I am angry at the world and need to vent? Mom

Who will listen for hours to stories about my life and likely not say anything about herself? Mom

Who will work hard to fill a wish list of items from home (including antiquated technology that she has to recruit friends to help her find)? Mom

Since moving overseas, I talk to my family a lot. Every week I set aside time to call them just to hear what is going on (though since moving to Africa the time change has made this difficult). I could not do this successfully without the support of my family and I don't say enough how much I appreciate them.

I recently read an article based on a research study that basically says talking to mom reduces stress. Granted their study was on 9-12 year old girls. But I can tell you it also works for 30-somethings.

Thanks, mom. Hope you don't retire anytime soon. Smile!

April 15: tax day

Some of you may be wondering if or how we pay our taxes while living overseas. Well, we are definitely responsible to pay them, but the logistics of how is a bit tricky. There are two things I learned this tax season...

First, I don't know how people did this before the advent of the internet. We had documents emailed to us. We scanned and emailed documents to others. We were able to answer questions for our tax preparer within hours due to email (rather than spend large sums faxing internationally or waiting weeks for it to be mailed). We could even make international phone calls when needed using Skype. All for the cost of the internet we were already paying for.

Second, I don't know how people do this (living overseas and keep the details of their lives in their home country intact) without the support of others. My Aunt Carmen and Uncle Luther collected our documents, helped us find a CPA, and so much more. I don't like to do my own taxes, but it takes an angel to assist with the taxes of another without payment. During our relocation from one continent to the other I was out of contact for a few days, my Aunt and Uncle provided much needed assistance in our absence so everything was taken care of on time.

I have decided it is impossible to live this overseas life without loving and practical support from family and friends. I am so grateful to them for the help in things I am aware of and things I am not.

So, on this tax day I want to honor those who give so much to us in big and small ways, and in doing so allow us the opportunity to live a dream.

Could you live without the support of others? I doubt it. I know I can't.

now I know why they are called care packages

Kenyon and I have been the grateful recipients of a few care packages recently. Some were sent at Christmas time and only one has arrived by mail from the Jones family (sorry to those who sent one and they have not been received, we keep hoping it will arrive soon).

The others came in Bob's luggage from my family. Whatever the form, I now know why they are called "care packages." Receiving little gifts from home is wonderful. It makes us feel cared for to get something as simple as some familiar candy or snacks.

Not that I really thought about it before, but I now know why they are called "care packages." Thank you to those who sent them (even if they did not arrive), we appreciate the care that went in to creating them from the other side of the world.

video chats

A very sad thing happened recently. What's that? Lesley moved away. She has left Cambodia and will soon be residing in a land far, far away. I miss her something awful!

Just because she moved away, doesn't mean we don't talk often. Thanks to the wonders of Skype we can even do video chats. I love video chats. It is like being in the room with someone, even when they are on the other side of the world.

Look at this snapshot of our conversation. She is telling me a funny story about her salon experience and doesn't know that I took a screen shot. I love that Lou! We always have so much fun!

My friend Elaine and I scheduled a video chat on Christmas Day and I got to see her daughter do gymnastics. It was awesome! Really, it was the best part of my day. We are working to schedule another chat soon.

What did people do when they lived overseas before video chat? I just can't imagine how lonely it would be if I could not see my friends and family from time to time on video chat. If you'd like to video chat sometime, let me know.

100 years!

My great grandmother turns 100 years old this month. One hundred years! My family is throwing a party in her honor. It kills me that I can't be there.

I admire this woman. She has spunk. When she was 96 years old, her appendix burst. Just before taking her in to the operating room the doctor was giving the family fair warning, "this is serious and there are young people, much younger than her, that don't survive this." Obviously, she survived.

When she was coming out of anestethia the doctor asked how she was feeling. Her quick response was, "100% better, can I go home now?" Love her!

When she was in her 80's she rearended a car on the way to her step aerobics class. She left the scene of the accident and walked to step aerobics. When asked why she left the scene of the accidents, she said she didn't want to miss her class.

In her younger years I have memories of visits to her house, they always involved fresh, homemade tortillas. I tried to make tortillas twice in my life. I learned it is an acquired skill, and one I have not acquired.

In recent years she has been loosing her eyesight and dimensia has begun to set in. I visit her everytime I go to New Mexico. It is always a memorable experience.

I can't imagine how the world has changed in her 100 years. I can't imagine having that many days on earth. It is incredible to me.

Grandma Rodriguez, I wish I could be there to celebrate your birthday. It is times like this that I am terribly sad to be so far away.

doing stuff rather than buying stuff

I recently read an article in the New York Times that highlights how Americans are changing their lives in this global recession. Rather than buying the latest gadget, clothing trend, or fashionable toy - Americans are spending the money they have on experiences. They are going to museums, picking up hobbies, spending time at low cost activities as a family. I'd say this is a healthy trend. A quote from the article says:

Psychologists have been saying for years that shared experiences like vacations lead to more long-term happiness than the latest bauble. And perhaps the change was inevitable — to be expected when a shopping-spree nation trades a glut of credit for layoffs and furloughs.

What are your thoughts on this reported trend? Is your family spending more time together doing stuff rather than buying stuff due to the recession?

Angkor Wat

I will be traveling to our field offices this week and in to next week. Usually, when I am in the field I have limited computer time. I am also behind on sharing photos because I've been having so many technology issues. I've worked through most of them, so, while I travel enjoy some photos of our time in Cambodia so far.

Angkor Wat

When my dad was here for a visit we went to the biggest tourist destination in Cambodia - Angkor Wat temples located in Siem Reap. This name refers to the group of temples as a destination, but also a specific temple on the grounds. In Khmae, Angkor means city and Wat means Temple. It was called this because it was the largest temple built. A photo taken that day is below.

I took a picture of this statue because it reminded me of the Hindu gods I often saw around India. This is considered a Buddhist temple. I am certain there is a connection between Hinduism and Buddhism, I just don't know what it is. There are so many similarities it must be the case. Is there anyone out there who could explain this to me?

Grounds keepers. In the heat of the day they are out there, in the sun, cutting grass with small clippers or machete's. If you saw the size of these grounds you would be shocked they are maintained this way. Bob (my dad) said, "that has got to be one of the worst jobs in the world!" On one hand it is a way for poor people to earn a living. On the other hand it is exploitation. I just thought I'd document it for people who don't see this everyday. There are street sweepers like this around town and so many other manual labor jobs that pay next to nothing for grueling work.

Kenyon, blending in with his surroundings.

Come back for more pictures tomorrow...

dog tail soup

When I was a little girl my brother and I would often ask my mom, "what's for dinner?" I'm quite sure as an adult that whatever her answer was we would have responded with, "but I don't want that" or "I don't like that," wah, wah, wah. Being a mom is hard work!

My mom is a comedian and she hates whining. So, she came up with an answer that we didn't really have a good response to. When we asked what's for dinner, she'd say, "dog tail soup." How do you respond to that one? She is quite clever. We would just shake our heads and walk away.

Fastforward 20 years and I am living in Cambodia. I was talking with my mom on the phone and she was asking about our apartment. I told her it's nice, but there is one drawback - it's next door to a dog restaurant.

M: a dog restaurant? like people bring their dogs to be served, or they serve dog to people?

S: they serve dog to people

laughter. lots of laughter on her end of the phone.

S: what's so funny?

M: dog tail soup

laughter. lots of laughter on both ends of the phone.

If there is anywhere one could actually order and consume dog tail soup - the restaurant next door to my apartment would be a good place to look.

Halloween

Today many people in the States will be celebrating Halloween. We don't have anything like that here. Yesterday I told you about the holidays we are celebrating.

Today is also my dad's birthday. He turns 65. I have the privilege of being with him on his birthday. He is arriving for the extended weekend and has the honor of being our first visitor. We are packing a lot in to a few days. The journey starts in Siem Reap, home to Angkor Wat temples. Then we will take a taxi to our home town of Phnom Penh to see some of the water festival activities. Sunday, he and I will then head to Bangkok - his favorite place in the world to shop.

November 3 I will join my colleagues in Thailand for budget meetings, etc and will return to Cambodia a couple of weeks later.

It will be a busy few weeks! I am so glad my dad is coming. Prior to marriage he was my travel buddy and we haven't traveled together much in recent years. He also comes bearing gifts from home, things I forgot or didn't think to pack that my family has generously collected to send with their delegate to our part of the world. It will be like Christmas in October! I think my holidays are confused - what am I celebrating? Halloween? New Year's? Christmas? Don't matter. I am celebrating!

rite of passage: the barber shop

Kenyon and I are spending our last couple of days in the USA in the State of Virginia visiting the Williams family. Yesterday, Kenyon and Ramone shared a Black male rite of passage - a visit to the local barber shop. I secretly snapped a photo from my cell phone. Enjoy being witness to this male rite of passage.

Is there a rite of passage in your family or culture - what is it? In my culture it is usually a quinceanera, though my immediate family doesn't really practice that tradition. What does your family have as a rite of passage to show when a child is growing up?

just read: Making the Impossible Possible

I love books! Books are my favorite gift to give. Books are my favorite gift to receive. Of all the things we've had to liquidate in this move, the hardest for me to let go of was my book collection. My dream house will have a room of floor to ceiling books with a chair for me to sit in and read, I'm willing to compromise and even take a corner of a room.

Every year for my brother's birthday I send him a book. Usually, it is my favorite book I read that year. Recently, for no particular reason at all, my brother sent me a book with a very thoughtful inscription.

The book is titled: Making the Impossible Possible. It is about one man's journey to overcome poverty from inner city Philedalphia. What I love about his story is that he didn't have to leave his neighborhood to overcome his circumstance. Rather, he had to change his mindset. He changed how he viewed himself and what he had to offer the world.

I work with those suffering in deplorable conditions of poverty around the globe and what I've found is that poverty has less to do with resources available and more to do with a belief about oneself. Poverty is bondage. Poverty is overwhelming. Poverty is depressing. Poverty can be handed down from one generation to another. But, poverty can be overcome no matter how bad it originally seems. How? Well, I can tell you that in my experience it doesn't happen by throwing mass amounts of money at the problem. Rather, it starts by challenging people to see their life differently. Bill Strickland creates moments of beauty as a motivator to individuals to make a better life for themselves. In my work we ask them to see themselves as children of a living God who created each individual for a unique purpose. I believe to the core of my being that each person on earth has something beautiful to offer the world, it just often goes untapped.

To me, Bill's story is an encouragement and inspiration, not for the obvious reasons of what he's accomplished, but, rather because he was able to accomplish such success in his own neighborhood by changing how he viewed himself. His circumstances didn't change, but his perspective did.

Do you believe poverty is the product of a resource deficit, or a lack of a solid foundation in the world? I believe the latter and my work is aimed at providing that foundation as a launching point for a new life.

Mi Madre

This is one of my favorite pictures of me and my mom. It was taken a few years ago when she was my date to a wedding of one of my high school friends. That's what moms do, they show up as your date when you'd rather not attend alone.

Since I was a little girl my mom has encouraged me to be a strong, independent woman (poor Kenyon!). She told me since I was a little girl that I was destined for some divine purpose. In my early adult years there were many hurdles to climb and my mom was always there cheering me on. She believed I could do it, so I bothered to try and then found that, in fact, I could.

We may not always agree, but she will always be my mom and I am indebted to her for the woman I am today.

Love you, moms! Happy mother's day!

Twelve days of Christmas: Day Twelve

The case of the missing tamales
My mom sent me the best Christmas gift a Hispanic girl living in the South could get - a case of tamales from Posa's. Unfortunately, we had a miscommunication in when we were leaving for Kansas City. According to the tracking number the tamales arrived at our home in North Carolina on the day we left to KC. I called two neighbors and a friend to see if they could pick up the tamales from our doorstep and stick them in the freezer so I could pick them up (and enjoy them) when we returned Christmas Eve. My friend Athalia has done some exceptional detective work and discovered that the tamales were delivered to the wrong house, but the home owners of the incorrect address didn't have them. UPS didn't have them. They have gone missing. I am incredibly disappointed. Though we visited many places in this holiday season (Virginia, North Carolina and Kansas City), we did not make it to my home town of Santa Fe which is absolutely the best place in the world to spend the Christmas season.

At the Christmas cookie party one of my friends asked, what are your holiday traditions? I told her about tamales and posole and just thinking about it made my mouth water. My mom sending tamales was like an answer to prayer - or maybe my mom has telepathy. I can just imagine enjoying the tamales on Christmas day...too bad they seem to have disappeared without a trace.

Athalia and her husband Travis have decided this case of the missing tamales would make a good children's book...maybe someone can get some benefit from my heartache.

Twelve days of Christmas: Day Ten

Kenyon's old stomping grounds
We traveled to Kansas City the week before Christmas. The trip would not be complete without visiting the people and places from my husband's past. We saw the house he grew up in. His foster mom still lives there. His cousin Wesley now lives next door with his family - wife and five kids!

We attended his uncle's church. In fact, we spoke at the church. Kenyon did a phenomenal job of speaking on the work we do around the world. In his neighborhood, not many people escape the confines of poverty, but he did. He is a black man that never went to prison, never fathered a baby out of wedlock, never dealt drugs, never did drugs. He has dedicated his life to doing what the Lord desires. God brought him through so much. He is a success story and I am so proud of him. He started his talk with, "I am from this neighborhood..." and he finished it with a challenge to pursue dreams because with God's help all things are possible. I pray it was inspiring to some of the young people in the audience who are making choices about their future. With God, all things are possible!

In the evening the church had a Christmas play that we attended. It was a great time. The children sang songs. His aunt Pam had directed a modern version of the Christmas Carol story.

It was such a pleasure to hang out with Kenyon's family and I am so grateful to them for raising the man who is my husband. They opened their home to him and his brothers when they didn't have to, they protected him in difficult circumstances and they challenged him to be the best he could be. They love him and are cheering him on as he joins me on the great adventure of life as my companion. It was so good to spend time with them, they made us feel so welcome.

Can a woman have it all?

I don't think it is possible for anyone to pursue a family life and career at the same level simultaneously. These things require balance and at times one takes precedence over another.

For women it is a bit harder because our bodies are the incubators for the children and that poses serious career challenges.

I am struggling with this balance. I want a family. I love my work. I don't know how to do both successfully. If I were to get pregnant I would not be able to travel like I do, especially to the developing world where I am exposed to freaky diseases. I can't do my job without travel. Since a man doesn't have to birth a baby, he can have a family and still pursue a career like this. As a woman, I don't know how to do both.

I'm taking suggestions, how can a woman do both successfully?

birthday greetings

thank you all so much for the calls, cards, and e-cards acknowledging my birthday. It is much appreciated. But, I have to say I had two very special birthday greetings worth remembering.

I was traveling on my birthday this year. I stopped for a long layover in Dubai and got to see my good friend Yasmine, her husband Gamil and their daughter Joelle. What a treat! they picked me up at the airport with a card and flowers in hand. We had dinner, we laughed, we explored, we got lost driving in Dubai - but what a treat to get to see and spend time with her on my birthday.

The second special birthday greeting came as a surprise. While going through security at the airport. The generally unhappy TSA agent looked up and pleasantly said, "Happy birthday, Sheri." That was the nicest interaction I've ever had with an airport security agent. Now I also know that they really are reading what they are looking at, or at least she is.

Role modeling

So, the party bug has passed on to the next generation! If you watch the You Tube video of my mom singing Tina Turner, there are three girls on the sideline immitating everything. Well, they decided to perform the song themselves...they see, they do!

Here it is:

Tina and her girls

I wanted to share with you a taste of the Gonzales Family Talent Show. My mom is Tina, my aunts and I are the back-up dancers. Too fun!

Heroes of Fredericksburg

Let me introduce you to Ramone and Frankie. We were at the pool in Virginia last weekend and beach towels became super hero capes. These capes went everywhere with us the rest of the day. Later we were at the gym and the boys had run off, our description: "Have you seen two little boys; one black and one white. They are wearing capes." Every time we asked some one had spotted this recognizable duo.